


All in The Being. So Just Be Here, With Me

by writerjo159



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Dean Winchester Has ADHD, Dean Winchester Has Anger Issues, Dean Winchester is Bad at Feelings, DeanCas - Freeform, Destiel - Freeform, Episode: s15e18 Despair - Castiel's Confession Scene, M/M, but hes working on it and im so proud of him, cas still goes to mega hell, information overload make brain go brrr, s15e18 rewrite sorta kinda, sorry about that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-19 04:28:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29869173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writerjo159/pseuds/writerjo159
Summary: 15x18 Confession Scene. not exactly a re-write, (mostly) everything's the same, but fleshed out. With all the censored thoughts and feelings.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 19





	All in The Being. So Just Be Here, With Me

**Author's Note:**

> fair warning, i wrote this for myself after the ep so many things might not be exact to the detail. listened to slowed + reverb version of "the night we met" and suddenly I'm posting it? yeah. I know I said this last time I posted but I genuinely don't read spn fics so apologies if someone has done this already :)

Castiel drew the warding on the door in blood, quickly turning to the injured Winchester. Listening to Dean's somber apologies. The frustration bubbling in his voice at Chuck's scheme, at them falling in to Billie's hands. Cas himself was frustrated too, responding with short exasperated answers, but he knew what this was, really. It was 'The End'.

Cas silenced for a moment, and Dean could tell he had an idea. Dean never did like Castiel's ideas in life or death situations. "What?" He asked anyway, gulping as Castiel looked at him.

"When Jack was dying, I- I made a deal. To save him." Castiel starts, quietly, nearly in a whisper. He looked like all the pieces had come together and he was the sacrificial chess piece to coerce the other into a trap.

"You what?" Dean managed, sounding a bit angrier than intended. He more so meant 'Why', if he was honest.

Cas didn't seem to notice, shaking his head. "The price was my life...When I experienced a moment of true happiness. The empty would be summoned and- and it would take me. Forever." Cas explained messily, but his eyes shined. For once, Dean hated the way they shined.

"Why are you telling me this now?" 

Bang.

"I... I always wondered," Cas looked down before looking up at Dean. "Ever since I took that burden- that _curse_ \- I wondered what it could be- What my 'true happiness' could even look like." Eyes still locked on Dean. Still shining.

"I never found an answer," He continued, "Because the one thing I want..." He shook his head, eyes watering. "It's something I know I can't have."

Bang.

Hopeful eyes staring down Dean's obvious confusion, the subtle smile that made Dean's stomach churn. And Dean stared dumbfounded, taking in whatever Cas could offer him.

His smile widened, a revelation, "I think I know- I think I know now," He paused, nearly laughing while his eyes welled up. "Happiness... isn't in the having. It's in just _being_. It's in...just saying it." He marveled, looking at the Winchester. His voice was raspier than usual, his faded grace making him painfully aware of the pain in your throat when you're oh-so close to crying. The beauty in the confusion of Dean's face. So human, all of it.

"What are you talking about, man?" Dean breathed out more than he said it. They didn't have time. He didn't like the way his chest ached or the way his heart pounded. Cas could sit him down in the bunker, pour him some age old Men of Letters fancy Brit whiskey and say whatever he needed to get off his chest so badly to the tune of Whole Lotta Love.

Cas took a step forward, Dean's breath hitched. A beer would do too, if Cas wanted. Anything, really. If they got out of here alive. If everything turned out okay.

"I know," Cas started, voice mellow suddenly. It was different, rang alarm bells in Dean's head but still, he just listened. "I know how you see yourself Dean. The same way our enemies see you. Destructive. Angry. Broken. Daddy's blunt instrument."

What are you doing, Cas?

"You... You think that hate and anger, that's what drives you. That's who you are. It's not." Cas looked into Dean's eyes, "And everyone who knows you sees it. And everything you've done- the good and the bad- you have done for love,"

Say this to a beer, to Led Zeppelin in the background.

Where Dean could find the means to reply, a sarcastic comment, even.

Not now, please not now.

"You raise your little brother for love, you fought for this whole world for love. _That_ is who you are."

Bang.

Dean looked at Castiel's lips, the words flowing off of them. The often chapped lips that Dean would threaten to douse with lip gloss. They looked so soft, they had always caught Dean's eye. But now, he felt a slight distaste. Eyes searching as Cas continued. _Why are you doing this to me?_

"You're the most caring man on Earth. The most selfless, _loving_ human being, I will ever know." Cas went on, eyes still locked on Dean. All his millennia watching the planet. All his centuries doing missions and other tasks. Nothing, no one, came close to Dean Winchester.

Bang.

"You know, ever since we met- ever since I pulled you out of hell," A tear rolled down his cheek. 15 years. If Castiel's life was a book, what would 15 years be? A paragraph? A page, if you fleshed it out, maybe. But the climax, conflict, and resolution resided there. The final stroke of the pen. "Knowing you has changed me." He smiled.

Dean always did love his smile.

"Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you, I cared about Sam and Jack-" He paused as he thought. "I cared about the whole world, because of you."

Bang.

How strange is it, that the nasal cavity closes slightly when your tear ducts are in use? How human. So fascinating, how his deep voice could sound ever so nasally? Castiel basked in it. He wasn't quite sure why.

Bang.

A story of an angel and a broken hunter. Becoming human together.

He laughed, shaking his head. "You changed me, Dean." He repeated, tears beginning to fall, slowly. His eyes- ocean blues as Dean called them, but never got the chance to say it aloud- filling with tears.

What do you do when your guardian angel begins to weep?

When they're pouring their heart out and you don't know why. Complimenting you, when you haven't been given one in years. Giving you the validation that they had already given you just by being. It's all in the being, isn't it, Cas?

So just be. Here. With me.

How was Dean supposed to say that, when his vocal cords felt strained by the holding of tears? When his brain couldn't process anything. When Castiel was crying, and he didn't know why?

"Why does this sound like a goodbye?"

Bang.

' _I left and you didn't stop me_ ' Cas had said, all those months ago. If only Dean could find the words to reply, maybe playfully, to lighten the mood 'I'll stop you this time, if you let me.' He wanted to believe they'd make it out of here, but with the way Cas looked at him. Like Dean was a child, being told his dog had died. Letting him down softly, despite _The End_ being written in bold in Castiel's eyes and on his lips.

Cas felt his heart rate pick up as Dean's eyes watered. He smiled, a watery smile with too much heart to be in a moment of death. "Because it is." He choked, feeling a wave of contentment.

Dean couldn't look away, the eyes that never failed to mesmerize him filled with tears. The soft, chapped lips now uttering a goodbye. He didn't understand it, the confession, the reassurance that Castiel had given him everyday being said out loud. Why was he telling him this now? What could possibly make him happy in saying that? He didn't have to. He didn't want him to.

"I love you." Cas smiled, tears sliding down his cheeks but not taking his eyes off the Winchester. Not taking his eyes off the way he shook his head in disbelief. Counting his freckles one last time. Admiring him, stealing a selfish second just to _be_.

Still beautiful. Still Dean Winchester.

He could feel it, something he hadn't felt in a long time. Happiness, wasn't it? From the way Dean's soul burned a little brighter, he was hopeful- even if he didn't understand. Even if he hated him for saying it so late. Even if he hated him, he hoped that he realized it wasn't anger driving Dean, but maybe, just a little bit of love. In whatever way.

This was it. Cas knew, nothing that could happen could take back the unfiltered joy he got from simply saying it. From spending his life a bad day away from death to dying on his own terms, dying for the one he loved.

Dean had taught him to live for himself, the act of Free Will. His wings had been scorched ever since he pulled the Winchester out of Hell, but it was the best decision he's ever made. He felt that together, they had become a lot more human. Dean wasn't the monster he thought of himself as and Cas was no longer a mindless angel. He wasn't sure if he could ever express how much Dean had changed his life, his millennia of living nothing compared to Dean's 42 years of fight. So this was his thank you. Not an act of service, he was done serving, but as he had said- It was an 'I Love You'.

It was a plead to live, because Cas knows Dean had never really done so. And he knows how much he longs to.

Cas had defied all the odds he could already. It was Dean's turn to defy the odds and _live_. He could hardly contain his smile as he thought about it.

"Please don't do this, Cas." Dean was stunned. He just needed a second. One second longer. _Don't leave_ was all that ran through his mind. Don't leave, please. He opened his mouth and couldn't say anything that wasn't a choke or sputter. Please wait, he begged in his mind. He'd get it, just give him a second, please, Cas.

Because something in him wanted to be mad. He wasn't, God, he wasn't. He just didn't want to be sad. He'd spent so much time sad, and Cas was happy, and he didn't know what the _fuck_ was going on. He knew what he felt, but had never really expressed it, never really thought about it. So now, hearing Cas say it...

He needed to say it back.

"Goodbye, Dean."

Please wait. Please.

_I love you too._

Cas smiled as he pushed Dean into safety.

_Are your ears on? Cas, I love you too._

Cas looked at him and smiled again, Dean felt his eyes water. He couldn't say it, he couldn't get his mouth to work, but he thought- he _hoped_ \- Cas heard him.

He watched at the Empty wrapped around Castiel, who was still smiling as if he had won that stupid deal. As if Dean's life had any value when put against Castiel's. Dean hadn't even noticed Billie come into the room, the Empty taking her as well.

And then it was quiet.

Dean inhaled a shaky breath. He sat down in his place on the floor, putting his hands against his head and prayed that this entire thing was an illusion. A sick joke. That maybe, he had become some angel's vessel and this was them keeping him in check.

But it wasn't. He knew it wasn't. And he couldn't do anything. And he couldn't _say_ anything. He wanted to say something, Cas deserved to hear him say something.

So he cried. What else could he do?

He cried and he prayed and he prayed while crying. He was gone. He was gone for him.

~~~

Jack looked around. It was silent, the entire Earth- silent.

He heard something, only for a second, something of static and eerie noises. "Did you hear that?" Jack asked, holding his head with his hand. Was it angel radio?

Sam shook his head, still looking around hopelessly. "What? What'd you hear?"

Jack thought for a second, tuning the radio before hearing it clear as a bell.

"Dean Winchester is saved."

**Author's Note:**

> while i love Misha and Jensen's acting in this scene, something about text- the ability to go into the characters' minds and see the inner workings and thought process (that I headcanon, at least)... Not even the CW can silence that, you know?


End file.
